Warning* Extremely dangerous post ahead for Sarkari staff, read with utmost caution, save yourself from embarrassment and don't cringe. Switch on your lighter veins...Amen.*
Of late, treading on the murky waters of government offices and their complex labyrinth of politicking and back stabbing, I am STUDYING the art of being idle. Yes, you read it right, the ART of being idle. Not that it is an easy subject to broach, but the professionalism with which it is being done in these offices is astounding. Guinness Record Book ought to take lessons from these people, not the poor dabbawallahs of Mumbai. A careful, analytical, hypothetical study conducted has revealed the following types of people you come across every day in these offices-
1. "Idli"ng idler
As the name indicates, this person adores idlis, only next to Kushboo. His life is for the idlis, of the idlis and it ticks by the idlis. He will be the last person to enter into the office, 9.45 and in he barges balancing his heap of bags like a professional rope walker. Signing the muster roll, his first job is to open his delectable looking Tiffin box and gobble the white fluffy idlis dipping it duly in a cauldron of spicy sambar. The rate at which his mouth opens up and engulfs those sinfully mouth watering idlis is directly proportional to the rate at which he opens the files. Yes, you read that right- FILES! Washing his hands, he walks to and fro the Supervisor's table, not lost in thought, but lost in the count of idlis that he had consumed.
By the time he arrives at the figures, the coffee wallah comes ringing, the fragrance of kaapi permeating the office's otherwise dingy smell. Shelling out a five rupee note and whiling away another good hour, our 'idli' man is now ready for work. He opens the file before him. His eyes play hide and seek, akin to the newly weds harrumphing on their honey moon. He has eyes only for her. His lustful eyes size up her. She is drool-worthy totally, he is going nuts with his want... to touch her. To open her and to feel the soft creamy skin and to hold her, pull her near and sink his hands in her, his insides twist...merely by looking at her- his lunch box! Tupperware had made a kill when it introduced these shapely lunch boxes, sucking out the money of such poor idlers. Dressed in pink, yellow, green and blue, tall, short, curvy, slim and sleek, she sits on his table bewitching him, beguiling him. Come lunch hour, he pounces on his beloved lunch box, his speed giving Schumacher a run for his money!
By the time lunch is over, his eyes are closed in the sheer bliss of having his lunch box all to himself for the next half an hour. His bulging waistline speaks volumes of his love for his lunch box. As his eye lids droop, images of hot, fluffy idlis dipped in sambar swim by his senses and he snores away happily. His slumber is disturbed by the Chai bell at three pm. Sipping the poisonous liquid with aplomb like a regal czar, he casts dubious glances at the file that now looks worn out and weathered due to the constant beating it takes of being opened and closed umpteen number of times. By four, he finishes his tea, comes totally energized and when you think he is going to start his work, voilà, he has his next task cut out- cleaning his boxes. Balancing the entire set of colourful boxes he treads to the wash room, almost licking his boxes neat and clean, lest the missus fire him for his incompetence. By five pm, he is all ready, packed and set to go home. Yet he sits rooted to his chair, his eyes transfixed on the office clock. He longingly casts glances at the minute hand, waiting for it to touch 45 and when it is 5.45, our idler bolts out of the office, putting Bolt and his records to shame. Day after day, it is the same vicious circle, run in and run out for our dear idler.
2. Inert reverent
When I say reverent, this has to be a 'she', definitely. She too barges in at 9.45, yet signs the muster only looking at her astrological chart that says raagu kaalam and auspicious time. Her open hair whipping her face says that she has took bath today, mind you, she has a strict schedule of bathing only on religious festivals and Fridays. Her face has that 'inner halo' emphasised by the pound of turmeric she had applied to her face in the morning, the combination of talcum powder and turmeric is deadlier than grease, I say! The moment she sits in her seat, she pulls out her favourite saint's picture where he sits cross legged with hands blessing her. This picture hides half her monitor yet she seldom is bothered. So long as His protective gaze is around her, nobody, mind you, nobody can trouble her.
When you think the monitor is switched on and she is starting work, she dutifully takes out her 'sloka' paat and starts with her daily prayers. An hour of pious chanting by heart, she opens another note and when you think she is going to type that letter, she starts writing 'Sriramajayam'. Hey Ram! Of all the places he had been, he would have never imagined being summoned by our lady at the middle of his morning tapas, when she writes two pages 'sriramajayam'. The next step would be, as you presume, work. No, you are mistaken. Today being a Friday, who would take care of the array of Lords sitting in photo frames hanging on the office walls? Our madam dutifully has bought a kilo of milk sweets, flowers for the Lords and takes out all the Pooja vessels lying in the dilapidated trunk box. You see, by evening she will collect money for Pooja of the whole month. Ringing the bell, lighting the camphor, agarbathis bellowing, the Lords are summoned to the office, to bring in prosperity. And boy, yes, our madam is prosperous by all standards, her hefty chains and handcuffs...oops...bangles jingling away.
Lunch hour arrives by the moment our Pooja is over and madam shovels her lunch. Next is the time for retrospection of the Divine, thinking and sleeping over Him will cement her place in Moksha. A hazy evening studying few more slokas and she is ready to get back home to her Lord of the Domestics!
3. Slothful sleepyhead
Of all the 'productive' staff, he is the best. The moment he enters office, he is hit by the 'sleep' bug. Eyelids drooping and walk staggering, he enters the office dutifully, right time. He signs, sits in his place...Atta boy...way to go. The moment his behind hits the chair, he goes to sleep mode. Nah...don't you think he closes his eyes and sleeps. He meditates, in fact deep meditates with his thoughts and ideas centred on...nothing. He is the Dhyaan Baba, doing penance in office and no one likes to disturb him, what if he wakes up and curses??? Other than our Dhyaan Baba is our notorious peon, who comes to office armed with the day's newspaper...After spending the first hour hallucinating in the office, our peon moves to the top most floor of the building, with vantage views overlooking the sea, with the gentle breeze blowing and ruffling his hair. Spreading the paper he stretches down, performing Nidraasana. He visits office bang on lunch time and continues his sojourn upwards for rest after lunch. By 5.45pm, he appears at the doorstep, fresh as a rose, poised to go home to his darling wife who would be awaiting him with a cup of steaming coffee...
4. Lethargic Unionist
Nothing much to add to this personality, who is busy all the time, roaming the corridors hunting for work. Categorically, rhetorically, he is all the time willing to work, but is anyone willing to give him work? Well, he starts work and gets a call. He restarts and gets a meeting call, he re-restarts and ends up in a fight over a coffee. See, he is absolutely ready to work, but the staff wouldn't let him, right? Apart from office work, he has the job crafting letters, posters, arranging meetings, dharnas, hartals, and the most important work of all....collecting subscription. Do you know how hard it is to collect money for union from a sarkari staff? They want transfers, retentions, bathrooms, rests and tell me gentlemen, do they all come for free? We need money...helluva lot of it. You got the moolah, let them dish it out honey...If everyone cares about work, who will care about everyone? Only our Unionist will. So the next time he asks for money, better dish it out, rather than flimsy excuses like 'my daughter is getting married' or 'my mother has a surgery'.
Apart from these specimens, we have the nose picker, tooth plucker, head scratcher, chappal reviewer, check out checker and the list seems to grow longer than the Great wall of china. Whatever they do, or fail to do, the wheels move on...oblivious to the din and the noise. You are not the Atlas. You are not Hercules. No one is going to raise a plaque on your cemetery saying you were revered by the office. Have no qualms, no reservations. It is after all office and you are entitled to relish every bit of it. Yet, for the sake of the people, including you, who pay the taxes, do justice to the job you are in. That has made you what you are, after all.
P.s.: This post is dedicated to ahem...all those friends in office.
P.p.s.: Wishing Mother Teresa does her Second miracle to attain Sainthood...let the khakis get some brains;)
P.p.p.s.: The after effect of three months in these kind of offices- I have gained 3kgs. To hell with the weighing machine. When does it weigh accurately??? ;)))