Surviving the Valentine's Day!

Love is in the air! Oh, no! Not again...The whole town is painted damn red and for a lovelorn lady left sulking at home, i find anything that is red, purely- annoying. PDA has reached dizzying heights and it is a real headache to watch doe- eyed beauties batting eyelashes at the most interesting specimens of human males! I flick the TV remote only to be mortified watching the video clip of Karnataka's ministers watching porn in the Assembly. Honorable Ministers, indeed! Suddenly it seems Kama Sutra has worked wonders for the Indian 'aam admi'. Where are the orange brigades who pledge to marry off couples in public places on V-Day? Pramod Muthalik was last heard a year back. Wonder what would be his punishment for the (S)EX Ministers. Sex is probably the most shunned topic and even love affairs at home are often hush hush affairs. But the rate at which couples elope and wed or live together is hitting the roof! All in the name of Love?

Come Vday and you are single? Why worry? Here is a detailed guide of surviving a VDay unscathed;)

1. ESCAPE THE RED HEAT

Easier always to duck, than attend that delivery! Better, feign some illness- we damn sure know it is heart burn;) It can be a stomach ailment or a flu. Never attend office or colleges on V Day, lest you end up sulking the whole day looking at hordes of couples walking past you, as if you were a tree on the campus. Hit the bean bag, flick the remote, munch in your favorite 'lays' and gulp down the agony- you are not getting laid this year! Strict warning: Avoid cozy restaurants, candle lit diners, parks, gardens, beaches and movie halls at any cost.

2. DON"T KISS, BUT TELL!

This is a far better idea. You can always weave a tale of love that can put epics to shame. Buy DVDs of latest Bollywood romance flicks and there you have your story. Visit florists, shop for the most beautiful card, browse chocolates online and always keep yourself engaged in talking to the '(n)ever-present' girl/ boy on your mobile. Close your eyes often and pretend to be dreaming about your 'love'. Hard, but easier done if you can close your eyes and tell your seventh and eighth multiplication tables twice without a mistake. May be that would be till eternity;) Keep boasting! Pose with pictures of your teddy and you, a huge bouquet of red roses ( may be you can rent one from the unassuming florist a week earlier!) and a box of chocolates, that can be conveniently empty. Post the pictures on Facebook and twitter your KEWL LOVE COOCHIE COO! Tell your friends what a helluva time you are having with your girl/ boy friend. Take care to maintain it is a 'long distance' love.

3. LOOK OUT

 Always look out for the positive signs. Who knows, you may even land up at your loves' doorstep on V Day! That is, if you are not the milkman or postman. Watch out for the singles who are ready to mingle. This list is now HUGE- starting from our very own Bollywood hotties- Dippy to Bips, Ranbir to Sid. How to spot the singles? The best day to spot singles is VDay! They are alone, tense, drawn or even skeptic. Who knows, a walk in the evening might bring you close to your next partner.

4. BE HAPPY

 Be happy- you have no romantic interest. Remember VDay is a purely commercial holiday, with jewelers, restaurateurs and gift shop owners minting money. Thank Dear God that he saved your wallet from a catastrophe! Roam around malls and just window shop the cutest card, largest bouquet and biggest teddy. Use your pocket calculator and pump your fists, mate! You saved a few thousand bucks there. Bless The Lord, Amen!

p.s.: My sincere apologies to the guy in class nine who gifted me my first VDay card, who got duly turned to my mentor and received the thrashing of his life!

p.p.s.: Valentines' Day wishes to all! Have fun, single or couple;)

p.p.p.s: My VDay wishes to my dearest L. Thank you for the wonderful, wonderful gift this VDay. I know it blew a crater in your wallet;) I Love You!

Moony's night duty slambook!

Holy Cows! How can they? Their working hours might annoy even nocturnal birds, but they stay healthy, calm and poised. Here i am feeling all fuzzy, kind of inebriated and hallucinating as i am writing this after a night shift. I have been pushed to the dark night world where the shrill whistle of trains, lousy humdrum of passengers and dull buzz of spooky night creatures abound. So, here is this moony's checklist of staying awake all night at work-

1. FOCUS

Try focusing! As minutes tick past midnight, your monitor definitely appears blurred, your keyboard resembles a cute love cushion and your swivel chair envelopes you in a close cuddle. Don't fall for that! Try to focus. Concentrate. Look at the nearest gentleman typing away like mad. You might even hallucinate his balding upper cranium a crystal ball. Try to read your future. Or better still, if you work in a passenger system like poor me, fun is on hand! Compare and contrast the specimens on view. Take your own sweet time, peer at the checked shirt, long uncut nails and bloodshot eyes. May be your distant forefathers appear on the vanishing checks on shirts. Who knows, you might even attain Nirvana fo-cussing(!) and cribbing on the gentlemen who rostered you for the night!

2. TAKE A BREAK

You are- after all, human. Nothing wrong in taking a break. Get up from the chair, walk to the loo, spend a few..ahem..precious moments half asleep inside and emerge from it in a brisk walk. Wander from one seat to the other. If it is an all women shift- Ladies, start your tongues wagging. And mind you, don't spare anyone, including the boss. As juice overflows from the grape vine, you may even feel intoxicated with all the "who's sleeping with who" stories. And by the time you feel you are satisfied with the well deserved break, you can take your next sojourn.

3. GINGER CHAAI

Have a cup of ginger chaai at 2 am! The hot and spicy chaai can work wonders to keep you awake. Take a small walk to the nearest tea kiosk, even if that means trampling on a sleeping army of tyrants who refuse to budge a millimetre in their sleep. And oh, be careful in not slipping on the banana peels and kids' piddle that threaten to drown the entire station! Revel and rejoice at the coocoo sounds, the erratic and annoying shrill whistles of engines, watch fist-fighting families and just relax!

4. PICK A FIGHT

Still feeling dull and sleepy? Why worry? You can always pick a fight with the passenger. Ask for change.  Never pick one with the 'i know all, you know nothing' types. Your prey will land straight at your counter with a 500 rupee note asking for a platform ticket. Thank Heavens! You can spend the next fifteen minutes asking him for a three rupee, ten rupee, fifty rupee or even a hundred rupee. He is definitely not going to have any. Watch him hunt for the non existent change in his pant pockets, shirt pockets, wallet, 'secret' pocket. Send him scurrying for change. He will be back after ten minutes having gulped down a glass of typical 'railway' special watery coffee or tea that might give him a happy gala time in the morning loo! Still unsuccessful? Always try to issue ticket to the second lady in the queue, wearing that angelic smile of yours, when the first lady hunts for a change. A full fledged cat fight- guaranteed!!!

Catfight- Vintage!

Night shifts at railway stations can be extremely stressful, if there are trains all night and if we end up with a CM who refuses to reduce bus fares and a PM who refuses to increase rail fares. No one can ever know how refreshing it is to see your relieving clerk arriving, in the backdrop of early morning sun-rays that filter through the window panes. Ha...there arrives the next slave;)

P.S.- Gods must be crazy and i must be extremely bitchy while writing this post:P

P.P.S.- I wish i had leprosy, i hate it every time a bugger rubs hands when handing over money! Or can anyone suggest a hand mask resembling a leper's hand? 

P.P.P.S.- Dedicated to the counter clerk Mr Sound Gopal who seldom gives tickets but keeps rambling on and on and on. Next night shift, i might hack you to death, MIND IT!!! RASCALA!!!