Love is in the air! Oh, no! Not again...The whole town is painted damn red and for a lovelorn lady left sulking at home, i find anything that is red, purely- annoying. PDA has reached dizzying heights and it is a real headache to watch doe- eyed beauties batting eyelashes at the most interesting specimens of human males! I flick the TV remote only to be mortified watching the video clip of Karnataka's ministers watching porn in the Assembly. Honorable Ministers, indeed! Suddenly it seems Kama Sutra has worked wonders for the Indian 'aam admi'. Where are the orange brigades who pledge to marry off couples in public places on V-Day? Pramod Muthalik was last heard a year back. Wonder what would be his punishment for the (S)EX Ministers. Sex is probably the most shunned topic and even love affairs at home are often hush hush affairs. But the rate at which couples elope and wed or live together is hitting the roof! All in the name of Love?
Come Vday and you are single? Why worry? Here is a detailed guide of surviving a VDay unscathed;)
1. ESCAPE THE RED HEAT
Easier always to duck, than attend that delivery! Better, feign some illness- we damn sure know it is heart burn;) It can be a stomach ailment or a flu. Never attend office or colleges on V Day, lest you end up sulking the whole day looking at hordes of couples walking past you, as if you were a tree on the campus. Hit the bean bag, flick the remote, munch in your favorite 'lays' and gulp down the agony- you are not getting laid this year! Strict warning: Avoid cozy restaurants, candle lit diners, parks, gardens, beaches and movie halls at any cost.
2. DON"T KISS, BUT TELL!
This is a far better idea. You can always weave a tale of love that can put epics to shame. Buy DVDs of latest Bollywood romance flicks and there you have your story. Visit florists, shop for the most beautiful card, browse chocolates online and always keep yourself engaged in talking to the '(n)ever-present' girl/ boy on your mobile. Close your eyes often and pretend to be dreaming about your 'love'. Hard, but easier done if you can close your eyes and tell your seventh and eighth multiplication tables twice without a mistake. May be that would be till eternity;) Keep boasting! Pose with pictures of your teddy and you, a huge bouquet of red roses ( may be you can rent one from the unassuming florist a week earlier!) and a box of chocolates, that can be conveniently empty. Post the pictures on Facebook and twitter your KEWL LOVE COOCHIE COO! Tell your friends what a helluva time you are having with your girl/ boy friend. Take care to maintain it is a 'long distance' love.
3. LOOK OUT
Always look out for the positive signs. Who knows, you may even land up at your loves' doorstep on V Day! That is, if you are not the milkman or postman. Watch out for the singles who are ready to mingle. This list is now HUGE- starting from our very own Bollywood hotties- Dippy to Bips, Ranbir to Sid. How to spot the singles? The best day to spot singles is VDay! They are alone, tense, drawn or even skeptic. Who knows, a walk in the evening might bring you close to your next partner.
4. BE HAPPY
Be happy- you have no romantic interest. Remember VDay is a purely commercial holiday, with jewelers, restaurateurs and gift shop owners minting money. Thank Dear God that he saved your wallet from a catastrophe! Roam around malls and just window shop the cutest card, largest bouquet and biggest teddy. Use your pocket calculator and pump your fists, mate! You saved a few thousand bucks there. Bless The Lord, Amen!
p.s.: My sincere apologies to the guy in class nine who gifted me my first VDay card, who got duly turned to my mentor and received the thrashing of his life!
p.p.s.: Valentines' Day wishes to all! Have fun, single or couple;)
p.p.p.s: My VDay wishes to my dearest L. Thank you for the wonderful, wonderful gift this VDay. I know it blew a crater in your wallet;) I Love You!