A Lay(wo)man's Guide to Chamchagiri

Almost 14 years of yeomen service to the nation's wheels and its ever demanding, always demeaning customers... Looking back at the path that I have strode, all I can feel is numbness. The heart ache and sourness has happened only because I have nothing to my credit, except for a service record that screams out red brighter than Taylor Swift's red lipstick! Looking for an outstanding green entry in my service record needs a telescope the size of moon and a periscope the size of earth! 

Alas! The favorable awards that everyone seems to be receiving at official functions with smiles that outbeat Rahul Gandhi's famous losing smile remains a distant dream to me. So, that brings us to the question, how do some people always succeed in excelling in everything they do, especially scoring those extra points over the mundane and ordinary? 

You can always identify the 'award- winner' by a simple glance. He always remains the shadow of the boss in your office- never mind, your boss may fart, this shadow never leaves his back, not even twitches his eyebrow over the hydrogen bomb dropped ;) So much for his Bhakthi! Our 'butter'man or chamcha is always by the side of our 'Sup' aka supervisor, casting worried glances at the simple two line leave letter that you put on his table for his approval. He is the personal scanner cum identifier of the Sup, he scans your letter for any error- grammatical, emotional, protocol errors. Only if the scan is complete, does your letter gets through. 

A letter as simple as, "as I am suffering from fever kindly grant me one day leave" would have seen a heated debate on the veracity and authenticity of me getting a fever off season, 101 reasons as to why I ask for a leave during peak summer, including a botched abortion doing the rounds. By the time my leave is approved, our chamcha would have grown the size of Rajinikanth's cutout on Mount Road, on the release date of Kochadaiyan in the mind's eye of my Sup. Enna Rascala! MIIIINNNDDD IIITTT!!!

Mr Butter man is one crazy guy. The sup wants a soap, the fellow stands at his doorstep soaping his pet dog that poops straight on butter man's foot. Does he mind? nah! Butterman knows always what tastes the best at which restaurant. He is a connoisseur of fine dining. He knows which joint has the sumptuous biryani, which restaurant has the softest dosas and which joint has the yummiest halwas. The Babu wants a handful of jasmine for his bobbed wife, our butter man plants a basket of flowers on Her Majesty's bird's nest hair. The Babu wants to attend a temple festival, our butterman awaits him at the temple door even before Our Lord Renganatha wakes up from his slumber. 

The boss thinks of his chaai, our butterman stands by his side, fanning his piping hot chaai. The looks butterman sends to the Sup can put Marilyn Monroe to shame. If he had a tail, boy would it wag;) But in work, butterman is one awesome hard worker! He will be the one who plays dominoes while the whole office around him is on fire. Deadlines will be met, targets will be achieved, entire office will go beserk, but our butterman remains oblivious to all these, discussing his boss's 143rd love affair with his 23rd secretary who had warded him off like the bubonic plague! 

So...you want to become butterman? Simple- follow these.

1. Wake up before your sup and send him some stupid forwarded good morning message.

2. Find out what soap your sup's puppy uses and stand on his doorstep holding the soap in a basket, bit by your molars.

3. Buy freshest brinjals, not the BT variety, but organic farm grown brinjals and ladiesfingers from the local flea market and impress the Sup's wifey.

4. Clogged drains, leaking taps, stinking bathrooms- whatever smells awful, your sup must go 'dhak dhak' remembering you and your six-pack abs when you wield the pipe wrench and toilet hose.

5. Always be updated on the latest gossip in office of the who's dating who and pass on all that sensual grape vine juice to your sup.

6. Keep your nose tightly closed when the sup farts. You can instead close your eyes and remind yourself of Axe deo and angels falling from Heaven.

7. When the sup picks his nose, or itches to remove that stray piece of chicken in his teeth, be there for him with tooth pick and tissue...oops...it should be in the reverse order;)

8. Always be Gandhi's three apes. Close your eyes, close your motor mouth, close your ears and close your *hole. Your sup has the sole rights of opening all these, the last of these he always does...

9. Be the first to report anything to the boss. Be it the birthday party of the secretary's third puppy or the guys night off where alcohol flows like a river, be ready with your mobiles to catch the hottest and latest and transmit data to the boss, faster than Chitti the Robot.

10. Last but not the ultimate golden rule- Your sup is always right. His left hand is always his right hand and his left foot is his right. He has no left. Everything in him is right. He is right brained too- never can analyse and calculate. But don't you worry. When everyone is served peanuts, remember, you the butterman will receive the awards and the rewards!

P.S.: Ouch! I know it is one grumpy post, but serves someone right;)

P.P.S.: By the way, someone please tell me how to remain calm, cool and composed while sitting opposite to the person whom I am mentally thrashing to a pulp and flushing down the public washroom!

P.P.P.S.: This post is written for the genuine pleasure and happiness awards at mybheja.com :P Please comment on how you have tried chamchagiri and failed miserably. We are one bunch of losers out here ;)