To bang or not to bang???

The next time you plan to bang someone cute, careful dudes and dudettes, the Court is watching. Funny, to imagine, the lady with the balance waits by your bedside trying to decide if the chick you just banged is over 18. And, dude, you sure are above 21, aren’t you? If no, then you can drink and make merry, kid. You can have as many casual flings as you can and the Justice isn’t bothered. And just in case you are over 21, you are royally screwed, my man!

The new ruling of Chennai High Court is a truly landmark judgement. “If any unmarried couple of the right legal age indulge in sexual gratification, this will be considered a valid marriage and they could be termed husband and wife.” What an amazing judgement! Hail, Milord! What if I wake up in the morning with no idea of being married to the bartender or the item girl :P

I can hear them conservatives jump up with joy at the ruling. “ That will put them youngsters at the right place. Chi. Chi. So many live in relationships, casual flings…now they will know of our culture”. Oh yes…now the number of one- night stands and casual coitus will dwindle…how scary! I am not that naïve to say one got to wait for the Mr. Right to learn what is sex. But why do we Indians have the passion to always relate sex and marriages? For God's sake, sex is just sex and marriage is something that has to last longer. Not to be decided or proved in a Courtroom! And how the Hell does one prove they had sex in the confines of one’s privacy? Film it?( Isn’t that pornography?) Or rather take sleazy pictures of the act and put it on the Court’s noticeboards?

And what is the relevance of family and the ‘mangal sutra’? The saath pherahs, the agni kund, the chain that ties the two goats (ahem, read mutually consenting adults for sex)together? Does the Court say they have no relevance or they are shitty waste of time and money? You want to get married, simple, get the chick drunk, bang her, take few pictures and voila! We pronounce you man and wife! Or the other way…you find a well settled man, a little indecisive and you are over 18, want a secure life, just start living together;) The Court will guarantee you a happily ever after…provided sense prevails and your man sticks to you.

What happens in case ‘such lawfully wedded couple’ need to break up after a one night stand? Simple- apply for a divorce, live a year in separation and two more years clearing the legal hassles. All this wait for one night of sex? By the time you get your divorce, boy would you have wished you never had a sexual apparatus in your body!

I am totally baffled…the teenie-weenie youth would now be banging their heads on bedposts, thinking- “to have or not to have”…rather “to wed or not to wed”…It would be better if the judges concentrate on clearing the cases on their benches faster than creating such ‘landmark’ judgements. And let us leave the institution of marriage outside the purview of sex. Please!

p.s.: So what is the rule for extra marital sex? Any clarifications? Just interested :P
p.p.s.: You are going to be seeing me more from now on...beware ;)
p.p.p.s.: "More" above means i am weighing a whoppy 80 kilos :P
p.p.p.p.s.: Sincere condolences to celebrity cook Nigella Lawson who was manhandled by her husband in a restaurant. Lady...better watch what you cook :P

Journey to the ICU and back...

Beware! Lengthy post ahead...

The feel of being pushed wakes me up from the slumber as i hastily try to grope what is happening around me. Sleep pulls my eyelids like a lady love on a shopping spree and i try to hang on to sense like a lovelorn teen hanging on to his wallet. Lovelorn teen won momentarily as a nurse clad in green scrub looms into my vision. She is animatedly talking to someone and i crane my neck to see who it is. A male hospital attender in white. Sparks were flying between the two and i could see cupid with his bow floating near the ceiling. Well, so i have died and on the way to the Pearly Gates, i think. I get to meet St Peter at the gates, no big deal. Happy at the prospect of seeing the Holy Saint, i close my eyes.

Just as i drift, i hear the attender saying- " Indhamma konjam ganam. Epdi thaniya thookurathu..." ( "This woman is huge, how to lift her alone?") How dare he? He may be a Guard at the Gates, how could he talk of my slightly(!) overweight torso? I try to speak, words go gurgling and all i could do was wag my index finger weakly at him, hazy if it was index or middle finger, now, though. 

This time as i stir, the sound of eerie shrill beeps rent the air. So, i must have come to some oven kind of thing, i muse. Sure, technology has touched God too. Instead of conventional pots and fry pans, He has updated to convection! That is sweet. As my eyes close, i notice the oxygen mask plastered to my nose. Oh, now they do critical care in Hell too? And then do i notice the pungent smell of anesthesia. Good Lord, now i am going to throw up. I try to send a signal to someone, my hands flail and i do the despicable thing. Throw up. With that little adventure, i sleep again. 

Image courtesy- cartoonstock.com

I wake up again to the beeps that are now rhythmic. I try to call someone and end up saying a "ga ga ga" that sends a nurse scurrying to me and i note the scores of beds nearby. Hallelujah! I am alive. Too happy, i mentally do a jig. That is when i hear the loud aaaaaaahhhh from the bed near by. A senior citizen in his eighties, the gentleman moans in pain. I wish the ICU had more space. Breathing in to the face of the other patient isn't healthy. The nurse comes, holds my hand, checks the pulse and looks at me pensively as i mutter meekly- " What is the time?" She looks at me incredulously, rolls her eye upward and says- "nine o'clock". 

Heavens! It's been three hours! Now i really want to see my beloved. As if God heard my prayers, he walks in, comes to me with his brilliant killer smile, holds my hand and says- " You are alright, dear. The surgery is over, they removed the tissues. But it was a little bigger than what they had thought. So they removed a larger chunk." 

And he leaves with a nod. Excuse me? Larger chunk? God! I ain't Angelina Jolie scared of BRCA1. Still the sample was for biopsy, not a mastectomy, right? I try to look down at me. All i could see was the hospital gown. Funny gowns. I try to count in vain the red checks in it. May be they should give us gowns with flowers printed in it or landscapes. My choice would be a Tom, Jerry or even angry birds...And few XL size gowns would always save us patients some grace!

I count from one to one thousand, tell my 8th table twice..( wrong as usual...the 7 eights and 9 eights always confuse me and put me to sleep). Sleep still eludes me. I motion for the nurse again and ask the million dollar question- " When are you shifting me out of ICU?" Impatient now, she barks, "eleven o' clock" and turns away. Now i was getting all itchy. I felt like going to the loo and i even felt like getting up and walking out. My limbs definitely wouldn't budge. 

The nurses attend other patients' calls and this time i summon the nurse again. "What?" she yells and i ask for water. " No water. You have IV running." She turns on heel to walk away. No madam, i think fast- i ain't finished with you, yet. " I want to go to the loo", i say weakly. She moves on as if she didn't hear me. "What was that?", she is inquired by her colleague and she says loudly- " That biopsy case is a trouble". Ah...how dare she? I got a name, girl, i say to myself. The beeps, the moans, intermittent yells all continue, as i lie wide awake waiting for my Prince to rescue me. He came twice, was promptly told they too were trying their best to send me out. I blink at him, make faces from inside the ICU as he stands, watching me acting like a caged monkey in the zoo.

Finally, help arrives, the attendants wheel me out of the ICU. The nurses heave a sound of relief and look a bit amused at my wave and wink. They must have thought, 'they operated on her brains?' Whatever, the journey back was uneventful- except that i fought with the hospital attenders and front office for outsourcing food, for not supplying essentials on time, for delaying discharge summary and for not giving clean linen. By the time i walked out of the hospital, the entire crew said- " Hallelujah". And i too- the biopsy was normal- " Hallelujah!"