As the screen goes up, the whistles almost deafen my ears and loads of paper bits fly by the screen. The crowd erupts into a frenzied chant..SUPER STAR...and by the time the crowd settles down after whistling, yelling, clapping and artis...finally emerges a man in his sixties. His hairline almost missing, his already wrinkled face shown in close-up can give me the goose bumps, now wait a minute, i paid a hundred bucks to watch this old man romance, emote, fight and dance? What a waste of my money! Now,not so soon lady- the fun is yet to start...Every masala movie starts with an intro scene where the Hero usually springs up from errr....a spring-diving board atop a pool, a diving board under the sea floor, a spring board placed on a high- rise...Spring board makers, i say, you demand royalty from Kollywood!
Hero enters and all Hell breaks loose. A super fight ensues, where props fly, noise levels reach a level where i feel thrown out of my seat almost and atleast dozen stunt actors fly away, with not even a single scratch on Hero- MIND IT! Even his moustache can make a man fly! If you want more of King Rajinikanth and his super-heroics, click here!
Cut...and Hero enters his poor hut. ( Atleast they live in huts in movies!) There is his sick mother who bawls her eyes out on the glycerine bottle and weeps till our eyes are moist and misty. Oh...how do i forget the sister? The loveable sister of the Hero who always falls in love with the villain's son, gets pregnant and commits suicide in scene number 11! Well, there is the sentiment capsule- Mother- son, Brother- sister emotional cards to play out. Bravo! Director! We are suckers for that sentiments, aren't we?
Then starts the love story of the Hero who is so innocent that he doesn't know what is a mangal sutra, wedding et all, but impregnates the Heroine, nevertheless... Chinnathambi Prabhu, kindly excuse me! And the Heroine- definitely a milky white beauty from North who knows " kunjam kunjam taaaaaamil, machaans"! The villain...hohoho! The unannounced comedian of the masala movie is this person, who usually sports a zip on his cheek, or a big black mole on his cheek or even better someone flashing pan parag infected teeth!
As in every masala love story there must be a friend to the Hero who must die a poor death at the hands of the villain. Not to forget, the Hero will forsake him at every road corner, on seeing the Heroine and then the villain, at last! " Nanbenda" ( friend!) In between there will be a Hero intro song, two love songs,( definitely in Switzerland or Venice- location managers, we are sick of these two countries, hunt for some other places, will you?) one pathos, one song on amma ( mother) or Thangachi ( sister) sentiment and a climax song. Oh...the climax- in a city based subject it is definitely in some dreary workshop where steamy action scenes end after ebbing from fights from car, train and even planes! Talking of train, how can one forget Balayyagaru? Here is his most famous train climax scene, weak hearted, please abstain from clicking on the video below-
What an amazing stunt! I wish likes of Brad Pitt and Daniel Craig get yourself trained from Balayya or Captain Vijaykanth or better still, from Vijay! As i move out of the movie hall after one more masala Kollywood movie, i feel like donning Arnold's Terminator special automatic and shooting down the movie cast. And as for the director, wait, you won't die so easily man! I would love to tie you up on the couch...come near you....oh, no, not so romantic you dumbo, switch on the Home Theatre remote and make you watch your own movie till you die! What a punishment! Next time a wanna be movie director wants to make a masala movie, remember this torture of watching your own movie nonstop- till- you- die punishment...
As for the super star, duper star, mega star, supreme star, little super star, captain star and all the twinkling stars out there...Aspirations...who doesn't have one? Ambitions...who doesn't have one? Well, and to become the next Chief Minister of a State...all that is needed is a successful career in Kollywood with a doting father and a brigade of firebrand fans. That is what probably catapulted legendary actor MG Ramachandran and his confidante Ms Jayalalitha as Chief Ministers of Tamilnadu. A state that boasts of 80.3% literacy and yet you have the ilks of Super Star Rajini, Ilaya Thalapathi Vijay and Captain Vijaykanth eying the CM post. We love them, we dream of them, we drool over them and they? Mint money and become our Chief Ministers without batting an eyelash! So, watch a masala movie and elect your CM!!! Here are some funny posters of our wannabe CM super stars- Enjoy!
God save my country!
Hero enters and all Hell breaks loose. A super fight ensues, where props fly, noise levels reach a level where i feel thrown out of my seat almost and atleast dozen stunt actors fly away, with not even a single scratch on Hero- MIND IT! Even his moustache can make a man fly! If you want more of King Rajinikanth and his super-heroics, click here!
Cut...and Hero enters his poor hut. ( Atleast they live in huts in movies!) There is his sick mother who bawls her eyes out on the glycerine bottle and weeps till our eyes are moist and misty. Oh...how do i forget the sister? The loveable sister of the Hero who always falls in love with the villain's son, gets pregnant and commits suicide in scene number 11! Well, there is the sentiment capsule- Mother- son, Brother- sister emotional cards to play out. Bravo! Director! We are suckers for that sentiments, aren't we?
Then starts the love story of the Hero who is so innocent that he doesn't know what is a mangal sutra, wedding et all, but impregnates the Heroine, nevertheless... Chinnathambi Prabhu, kindly excuse me! And the Heroine- definitely a milky white beauty from North who knows " kunjam kunjam taaaaaamil, machaans"! The villain...hohoho! The unannounced comedian of the masala movie is this person, who usually sports a zip on his cheek, or a big black mole on his cheek or even better someone flashing pan parag infected teeth!
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| Notice the zip on the left cheek! Pic courtesy- bollywhatforum.com |
As in every masala love story there must be a friend to the Hero who must die a poor death at the hands of the villain. Not to forget, the Hero will forsake him at every road corner, on seeing the Heroine and then the villain, at last! " Nanbenda" ( friend!) In between there will be a Hero intro song, two love songs,( definitely in Switzerland or Venice- location managers, we are sick of these two countries, hunt for some other places, will you?) one pathos, one song on amma ( mother) or Thangachi ( sister) sentiment and a climax song. Oh...the climax- in a city based subject it is definitely in some dreary workshop where steamy action scenes end after ebbing from fights from car, train and even planes! Talking of train, how can one forget Balayyagaru? Here is his most famous train climax scene, weak hearted, please abstain from clicking on the video below-
What an amazing stunt! I wish likes of Brad Pitt and Daniel Craig get yourself trained from Balayya or Captain Vijaykanth or better still, from Vijay! As i move out of the movie hall after one more masala Kollywood movie, i feel like donning Arnold's Terminator special automatic and shooting down the movie cast. And as for the director, wait, you won't die so easily man! I would love to tie you up on the couch...come near you....oh, no, not so romantic you dumbo, switch on the Home Theatre remote and make you watch your own movie till you die! What a punishment! Next time a wanna be movie director wants to make a masala movie, remember this torture of watching your own movie nonstop- till- you- die punishment...
As for the super star, duper star, mega star, supreme star, little super star, captain star and all the twinkling stars out there...Aspirations...who doesn't have one? Ambitions...who doesn't have one? Well, and to become the next Chief Minister of a State...all that is needed is a successful career in Kollywood with a doting father and a brigade of firebrand fans. That is what probably catapulted legendary actor MG Ramachandran and his confidante Ms Jayalalitha as Chief Ministers of Tamilnadu. A state that boasts of 80.3% literacy and yet you have the ilks of Super Star Rajini, Ilaya Thalapathi Vijay and Captain Vijaykanth eying the CM post. We love them, we dream of them, we drool over them and they? Mint money and become our Chief Ministers without batting an eyelash! So, watch a masala movie and elect your CM!!! Here are some funny posters of our wannabe CM super stars- Enjoy!
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| Picture courtesy- a friend from Madurai, meaning Anna Hazare of Tamilnadu is Actor Vijay! |
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| Pic courtesy- googleimages, meaning Obama of South India- Actor Vijay! |
Hm.. Well written analysis.. But i love watching a masala flick once in a while.
ReplyDeletechandrababu naidu was an actor too, rite?
ReplyDeletei dont watch many tamil movies, tho rajni is hard to miss. i adore his jokes n all sed n done he is an A grade entertainer :)
Such a rib tickling humourous piece can only be written by Cloudnine.You write so well and in such fluent stlye.I envy you.
ReplyDeleteTell us whom you will vote for given the choice of electing only between a wily politician and a fading hero with grease paint to hide his wrinkles who has acted only in do-good Samaritan roles whose seamy side is relatively unknown and singing catchy songs professing his love for the poor,lonely and lost.
Anyone can aspire to be CM including actors.It is people like you and me who feed such aspirations
hmmm....hr i the sam...a man...with DHOOTY fly but his dhooty remain its place...
ReplyDeletewow..we and our imaginations....
@ Harish- thanks for your comment. Once in a while won't be a problem, but we Southies are fed overdose!
ReplyDelete@ Sadiya- thank you, Chandrababu Naidu was no actor, but son in law of the legendary NTR, Telugu Super star who succeeded as CM of AP. As for Rajini, he is an A lister, but aspiring to be our CM is just too much, huh?
Dear KP, thanks for the lovely comment. Am honored:) Yes, in a sense our awe and love feed their aspirations, but there are still naive people in villages who still believe MGR is alive! I happened to meet one such person who challenged me that he saw MGR just a day earlier in the theater- Nam naadu! LOL!!!
ReplyDelete@ Thinking- thanks for your comment. Yes, our imaginations are just fantastic!
Cloud Nine has enough of Masala movies, mind it :D
ReplyDeleteThank God for the new breed of sensible movie makers. At least you don't go in to a coma after the three hour ordeal.
hahahahahahahaa....oh! as much as i love bollywood, i would agree with you that some of the films are a NO-NO!..i mean really?..is the fighting sounds that aggravate me the most! ONE MAN BEAT A DOZEN MEN WITHOUT A SCRATCH! EVEN WHEN THEY ARE ARMED?..thus i play safe by watching only love stories!..i watched a film, where the actor was too old for that young role...oh! yes, the maidens are always fair and beautiful! Nothing for dark beauties, except for the choreography dance...i noticed mixed race indians are taking more of the acting roles... but the dressing is overdone...esp the wedding scene!...do indian women truly adorn themselves with so much gold???...i know i had read a post of yours on that but does it include the average indian female?
ReplyDeletean interesting post as usual cloud 9.
Dear Purba, thanks for the visit and comment. Not all movie goers are lucky to see 'normal' movies. There are many such wonderful movies made in Mollywood, but as for Kollywood, there are very few such lovely movie makers...
ReplyDeleteDear Ibhade, thank you so much for your nice comment. Glad you too are wary of the fight decibels in our Kollywood movies! In my earlier post, i had mentioned of how crazy Indian women are about jewellery. In normal days, a pair of simple ear rings, a pair of bangles and a chain other than the mangalsutra is worn by women. Married women wear silver anklets and toe rings in addition to the omnipresent mangal sutra. Our mangal sutra is like your wedding rings, we never part with it...( Excuse me husband, i always love to dump it under my pillow and in the tooth brush stand:P)
I suppose cinema and politics go hand in hand like how these days being a beauty queen goes hand in hand with becoming an actress whether you are talented or not.
ReplyDeleteBut i must say some of the actors both in India and the west did turn out to be good ministers and presidents of their respective countries.
Watch a masala movie and elect your CM... Hilarious, yet so true! We pay the money, and they get their desired ticket :D
ReplyDeleteYeah.. the formula is pretty much the same whether it is Hindi or Tamil movies ( I dont watch Tamil movies much) I realized! But look at it like this- it is a dream that takes us into a world we can never be in ...
ReplyDeletehhahahahah .... loved it to the core... enna rascala mind it ...
ReplyDeletep:s - being a south indian, i do love watching them, but yes they do give reality a toss :D ... and yes alas!! i indulge in hooting and whistles and claps.. lol...
awesome read :)