What an idea Sirji!

My maid turned up with puffy eyelids, a gash on her chin and a swollen face, to work two days ago. After continuous prodding and pestering, she spilled the beans. Beaten black and blue by her husband. Burning with fury, i gently chided her for being so submissive to his incessant beating. And i almost died laughing when she said she too bit him, kicked him and he was on leave, ashamed to exhibit his black and blue face. Not the first time, i thought as i remained aloof from the quarrel. Today morning i could see them both happily chatting away with a cup of chaai at their doorstep. Moral of the story- People seriously need solutions, MY TYPE to overcome their domestic misunderstandings!

What makes minor differences of opinions between couple evolve as full fledged duels? Here are some real life situations sirji and madamji find themselves in. I am offering holistic solutions to SIRJI for solving petty issues at home front, from Madamji.


1. I talk, you no talk


This situation occurs usually when your mother in law is visiting you, boss. You purse your lips so tight that you look like a badly mauled orangutan, day after day after day. Motherinlaw dear is a blood thirsty vampire who can suck till the last drop of your blood. Beware! The hush hush that immediately stops the moment you enter the house are certainly ploys to topple your ' dictatorship' at home. The best method to tackle this problem would be a return ticket back to hometown in second A/C for the blood thirsty vampire. You can heave a sigh of relief when she waves you off at the train regally, hanging on to your prized possession- that lovely Kashmiri shawl you drool over...


2. The big bangs 


Madamji does not approve of your plan for Sunday rest. Every Sunday Madamji invents plans to keep you busy, starting from cleaning the fan to washing the car. Seriously man, Sundays are meant for little sleeping on the bed, dozing on the couch, snoozing while watching the Sunday evening movie. Madamji loves to keep you on your toes, ordering job after job. You sneak out of the house for that cup of coffee with your best pal and the big bangs occur when you are back at home. Your chappati lands unceremoniously on your lap, jumping from the plate that has been banged on the table. The dishes, cups and spoons land with a b-o-o-m on the counter top. Solving the big bang is cake walk, you can sing real loud, blast the TV volume, yell over your phone where no one is on the other side or simply, plug your ears!


3. Khichdi Khichdi


It so happens, sirji, how much ever you try, there are knuckle heads who drop in at most inopportune moments at your home. Not a word or call in advance, they just arrive bolt out of the blue. You have no other option but to cut short Madamji's blaring snores. Red eyed and still blurred with sleep, Madamji enters the kitchen for some refreshments. The onion pakoras and accompanying tea that arrive, taste so Heavenly, that your friends and relatives head straight to the restroom and directly walk out of your house for that last time! As punishment, you have to consume the entire plate of pakoras which even your pet dog doesn't sniff. And as for the tea- you could water your crotons for a week with it! 

There is another ilk of visitor- uncle, aunt, cousin, all from your side of the family. Madamji's first treat would be chicken curry. Next day arrives the brinjal sambar and the third day comes the khichdi. Beware when the khichdi arrives. That is the last day for your guest at home! The best option in this case would be to see off your relative at the bus terminus or railway station at the earliest, to save them from khichdi again.


4. Greater than less than


Madamji is the best assessor in the world when it comes to sarees, jewellery and household items. Comparing and contrasting her mixer, grinder, TV, bangle, necklace, car and sirji with the lucky pado- sin ( neighbour) is her favorite pastime. She draws micro and macro comparisons and publishes the results every night when you try to usurp the sleeping demons. Alas! what finally transpires is the universal onida truth - neighbour's pride, owner's envy! The solution here would be to act like a sex- starved maniac at nights, raining kisses on that luscious mouth that keeps on taunting you with < and >...

 5. Soceraphobia ( fear of parentinlaw)

Sirji must understand that Madamji is a patient suffering from Soceraphobia. She can tolerate lizards on her walls, roahces is her kitchen, even occasional snakes in the garden. What she cannot comprehend is the affinity of sirji for his parents. Once married, he has to severe all ties with parents, right? How dare he tread on dangerous waters of spending for them, without Madamji knowing? The day Madamji comes to know of your bank remittance slip to Daddy conveniently forgotten for months in the car dashboard,  she suffers from a severe bout of Soceraphobia. You try every medicine- even a pacifier, but no cure...The best treatment on offer would be a strong dose of morphine, not for her, but for you sirji, to overcome the inherent pain caused by Madamji's karate skills. Madamji is next only to Mrs Wendi Murdoch in swiping at offenders!


This post is the first post of the series on Domestic Problems, penned specially for SIRJI. Help for Madamji will arrive in the next post!!!