3's a crowd;)

Now, this is one very intriguing topic that i have been itching to write! When one of my friends suggested i read a book 3's A Crowd by Dr Vijay Nagaswami, all i could was keep recounting the number of instances i had noted marriages on the rocks, literally, quite a few! Here is one serious..ahem... analysis of why things go haywire in a marriage.

1. Mismatch error

Noticed this error in the marriage of a very close friend of mine. This male was married to a prim and proper lady of the same caste and religion, as it happens with every other Indian wedding. The main problem was in the fact that the guy was an undergraduate with many, many businesses managed on his own plus a cushion government job, whereas the lady in question was a high school drop out. Not a bad equation, i agree. 

All things went well till the wedding to the next morning, when the groom went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He had the shock of his life when his lady love was brushing, alright, brush in her right hand and tooth paste spread all over her left hand, probably a habit from her tooth powder days!!! And the shocker continued when she swept and washed with soap water their brand new television with a broom. That was when the man freaked out!!! Will it be wrong if he/she both move astray in a marriage that holds nothing that they both can talk on? Imagine how you would have to spend every night, unable to explain the nature of your work, the challenges in your job and your simple everyday things to your better- half...

2. I wouldn't give two hoots

This attitude develops much later, people, beware! A husband who is constantly away and a wife who is left at home picking up the bits and pieces of a relationship, just doesn't care. When a prized possession is lost, one would fib and suffer. What if someone steals away a piece of pain in the butt? They wouldn't care! I know of someone who is thankful to the secretary so much for taking away her husband's much valuable time. " Who has the time or energy to listen to his baubles?", she reasons out. She is happily busy- shopping, attending parties and visiting salons. Of course, husband's credit cards are handy! 

3. Seven year Itch!

This ladies and gentlemen- is serious trouble! Either of the partners get bored seeing the same person day after day after day or bedding them night after night after night. So, just to 'spice up' their lives, why not get a third person to make things better- no, this is not a three-some, you dirty brains! Those who have the balls, can have the gals! Strangely, it is not men alone who stray. More and more women are lured by guileless men. I know, all those machismos would be now gunning for me;)

It is real fun watching a middle aged woman sexting messages to the third man, deleting it and giggling like a hormone driven teenager. Sad, i was privy to this lady in my office. She watches out for her men, i wonder how she adjusts the IN and OUT card for both the men, how she manages to arrive in office with one and exit with the other;) And it is very romantic to watch the 'lovebirds' exchanging furtive touches in waiting halls. May be the thrill and pure adrenaline and overacting libido leads people in marriage, to cheat. All i can wonder is how they react to the 'mornings after'- like " Hey, did i sleep with X or Y?" Should i take the morning after pill or not? 

4. Plural of spouse= spice!

Somewhere down the line, the spice of life just withers away...Hold on, if i were to ask you when was the last time you had mind boggling sex moments with your wife/ husband, half the crowd would be looking up at the calender scratching the errr...heads! Whacky, kinky and wild is not something we associate with our life partners. Is that reserved for dark, brooding strangers? Then our relationship is in trouble. Playing fidelity fiddles without proper sex between partners is incorrigible.

So, how do we ease out the crowd in a marriage? 

One- Before wedding, see the girl once;) ( You could run away,looking at the beauty, even the day before the wedding!)

Two- Do not live in boring marriages, just get rid of it. Do yourselves both the favor!

Three- If it really itches, scratch the right person, your true partner;) Want some spice, you can even imagine the person lying next to you better than Arnold Schwarzenegger...No, not all brawny, but he atleast is not interested in the maid:P

Four- I wish you would mark your bedroom walls with your score every month. Hope the wall paint is washable!!!

p.s.: Dr Vijay Nagaswami, please reduce your fee of Rs 3000 per sitting. I can offer free advise on same issues;)

p.p.s: Denying sex to spouse on first night is reason enough for annulment of marriage, says the Supreme Court. Beware!

p.p.p.s: This post is dedicated to my dear friend who suggested i read- 3 is a crowd. No thanks, bud! I hate crowd!

FAKING IT!!!

This post has been selected as Blogadda's Tangy Tuesday Pick, 13 March, 2012.

When someone says they are happily married for 50 years or 60 years, all i can do is roll my eyes upward! What a sham!!! Here is what Sirji tells Madamji and what she feels in reply. Does she have the courage to mouth it? Nah!
Sirji: My, my! You look beautiful!
Her Majesty's Voice: Oh no...no shopping today:(


Sirji: I just love your sambar.
Her Majesty's Voice: When is your Mother coming here???


Sirji: Can i have a tea? I have a splitting head ache!
Her Majesty's Voice: Dinner plans shelved???


Sirji: I can't find the iron box...where is the iron board?
Her Majesty's Voice: Oh no...not again. I am not going to do the entire week's laundry!


Sirji: No more cosmetic shopping, grrrrrrrr!
Her Majesty's Voice: As if you bought me the entire Chanel showroom...Bah!


Sirji: Look, your brother is online! Come, talk!
Her Majesty's Voice: To Hell with the cricket match:(


Sirji: I love your Dad:)))
Her Majesty's Voice: I hate your Mom!!!


Sirji: I will be late today, have an audit in office.
Her Majesty's Voice: Gawd! Has he taken to drinking again???


Sirji: I have to work this week end.
Her Majesty's Voice: Is your new secretary too working the week end? ( Fuming!)


Sirji: We have a dinner tonight with my friends...
Her Majesty's Voice: Oh no...I AM NOT cooking for that ARMY!!!


Sirji: Are you sick, darling?
Her Majesty's Voice: That is a cute way of asking why the floor is not mopped today!


Sirji: This tote bag is just made for you. So nice! Pick this!!!
Her Majesty's Voice: I noted that is the cheapest one in this whole freaking town!


Sirji: Get me the bag, let me buy groceries for you.
Her Majesty's Voice: God, is he going to while away an hour smoking and chatting with that no- good neighbor???


Sirji: I am proud of you, darling. Our children have scored well because of your hard work...a hug and a peck on the cheek...

Her Majesty's Voice: There...you lie down on the sofa and watch TV all the time, while i have to learn 13 th table nth time! Imagine how much you saved on a private tuition fee!


Sirji: Yuck! I hate this power outage. What to do now...Pretty boring!
Her Majesty's Voice: Oh no...I am already tired:(((

And here is what Madamji mouths and what Sirji thinks of it...
Madamji: Good morning dear!
His Master's Voice: I am not entering the kitchen to help you today!


Madamji: There is no power from six am today...
His Master's Voice: Please my Lord! Don't make me carry ten pails of water upstairs...


Madamji: This shirt is just awesome for you. You look adorable!
His Master's Voice: Am i getting my pay check today???


Madamji: Honey...i would like to do some window shopping today morning...hug and a smooch
His Master's Voice: Not again! There is no room in the closet for my dresses!!!


Madamji: Ouch...I have a splitting head ache, dear...making a wry face and smelling of eucalyptus oil...
His Master's Voice: Huh...one more take away dinner? Noooooooo....( albeit smiling sweetly)


Madamji: Your Mother is a genius. I love her laddoos...
His Master's Voice: Is your Mother on her way here already???


Madamji: Hold Junior for a moment, will be back in a second...
His Master's Voice: Bah! Must i change his diapers???

Madamji: Tell me how is this new dish. I tried it out with the neighbor.
His Master's Voice: Why is that woman testing her culinary skills on my grocery???


Madamji: I am inviting my friends over for a lunch tomorrow, dear!
His Master's Voice: Wow!!! I can invite my friends for a Sunday brunch!


Madamji: Looking longingly at the silk saree in the mall...Isn't that color lovely, darling? How would i look in that???
His Master's Voice: Smiling sweetly...I know that saree costs a fortune, i am not falling in your trap. You would be akin to an oversize water melon in that green organza!!!


Madamji: Listen baby...Vimala's husband bought her a new diamond necklace for their wedding anniversary...
His Majesty's Voice: That Sonofabitch...I wouldn't mind buying her one;)

Madamji: We are starting on a low carb diet from tomorrow.

His Majesty's Voice: I know you are too lazy to cook a proper breakfast.


Madamji: Can you please get me some vegetables from the shop?
His Majesty's Voice: I knew you'd ask me when i switched on the TV!


Madamji: Take Tommy for his night walk, dear. I am busy doing the dishes...
His Majesty's Voice: Wait, i shall wring its neck one day...


Madamji: Dry these clothes on the washline, honey!
His Majesty's Voice: Don't you 'honey' me...I can't find the clips. Where are the clothes? The washline is dirty. I got an urgent call from office.


Madamji: Shall we dine out this week end, darling?
His Majesty's Voice: God...i am going to lose one more cricket game to her wild dinner:(((


Madamji: Have you paid the telephone bill? Power bill? What happened to the insurance premium? 
His Majesty's Voice: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!! loud snore!!!


Ah...a toast to the "They lived happily ever after" part!

Arranged Marriage Cacophonies

Ever felt like being mauled in the middle of a fish market? Almost every man or woman who is married would know! For the others- read on. Arranged weddings in India are splendid months- long affairs, sometimes it can be years before the bells finally ring. The process is so cumbersome, with umpteen number of characters and their gimmicks, somersaults, emotional bumpy rides and finally on the Wedding Night, most of our genre snore away gleefully than touching the other half! Step One of the process is when your parents do feel you are ready for the wedding. You finish your education, settle down in a job and after a sizeable bank balance, you are ready for the market. Word is sent around through close relatives that there have been " many alliances" coming in for the poor fellow, who would have received cat-calls in any mall or office.

As word gets around, there are sudden visits from distant relatives who have not even known you were alive so far. This is the time of PA- Personal Appraisal. The HR here( your parents) goes overdrive in marketing you, they list out your characters and pay check with interesting anecdotes like- " You know something? My son has killed so many snakes with his bare hands" ( Poor chap, he would die at the sight of a cockroach in the closet!). Women don't fare better either. HR team promotes her as 'the cute, gentle, soft spoken, culinary talented, intelligent working woman'. Marketing slogan here would be- " My daughter is so calm and soft spoken, you can't even hear what she talks at times". ( Oh boy! They would hear her later clanging on kitchen vessles, yelling louder than thunder screech, save it for later!) After numerous bio-datas and photo sessions ( trial and error method, of course!), you finally arrive at the best bio and photo taken, after a dozen hundreds shelled out. Again the photographer here acts as if he were featured in The Vogue, asking you to take all positions, even more than what Vatsyayana, (of Kamasutra fame) would have imagined in his wildest dreams! Photo-shopping your pictures and after editing, your photo emerges a sure winner, would give Aishwarya Rai a run for her money from Bollywood!

The next Step will be "Casual encounters" with opposite parties. God knows it is indeed an 'encounter' for the poor souls! Once you nod your head seeing a picture and a bio-data, there are numerous such 'chance' meetings in temples, churches and hotel lobbies. Boy, it is fun to watch starry eyed hunk and lovey-dovey beauty as per profile pictures, meeting a balding or greying gentleman in his 30s and a flabby sweaty woman in her late twenties!!! Who said 'Appearances are deceptive'? Photographers are!! Making up your mind and weighing down all the options left ( as if many!) you finally decide to say something when the elder next to you says- " Let them talk in person". He may seem like God impersonified to you then, beware, he is going to wreck havoc! They give you ten minutes time to discuss. Five minutes of it is spent in ' So?' ' Then?' and the remaining five minutes in a trance, the only thing now that registers is NOTHING that you can remember later. With an ahem, ahem from the elder, the show comes to a close, now it is families mingling together. It almost resembles a Bollywood masala movie with lots of Anupam Khers and Alok Naths chit-chatting and Kiron Khers and Rakhis( all Bollywood actors) giggling. You feel as if you stepped out from a time-capsule when they finalise the DEAL!

You like to say- "Hey, wait a minute, i don't want all that...", but words get stuck somewhere between the trachea and tongue. Bargaining goes on for hours at times, serious debates and deliberations and finally Voila! Your rate is fixed! Other discussions that follow like date, mandap, engagement and wedding details don't just enter your thick skull, you are already in Switzerland, with a dozen white-skinned angels gyrating and you and your sweet heart lilting to the latest Bollywood hit!

You are now in a different plane of thinking, trivialities don't bother you. You forget your lunches and dinners, your nights are spent with heat! ( Nah! Not that heat, its the heat of your mobile glued to your ears for hours together) You still cannot remember a single word of your so-called conversations with your loved one, if asked now. As the day of engagement nears, all hell breaks loose. You loose count of the number of quarrels between your family and the in-laws, you cannot remember how many times your siblings would have cursed you for all the trouble...It is shopping time and Mr Elder starts the ball rolling with a ' what is the cost of bride's costume?'. It continues- Which relatives will get one, who will not? Which cook to book? Who will be the photographer? The videographer? The Mandap( wedding hall)? The Decoration team? The vegetables? The menu? Friends' party? Who will get the A/C rooms in hotel? Who will get bridal party's A/C vehicle? How many wedding invites? Invitation designs? How to distribute? Which areas? Who will cover? Who will preside? Who can talk on dias? Who must garland the couple? Who must not? The chaos continues till the moment you tie the knot, but blessed you- You are still in trance! No such questions and quarrels reach your 'inner sanctum' for you have attained "Nirvana"- the ineffable ultimate! Still suffering from the day before's bachelor party hangover you look at your bride and sure she looks terrible with that latest make-up aka whitewash by the beautician! The beautician gives her 100% in making sure your bride doesn't even remotely look like the one you know!!

Then follows the reception where you feel the heat and sweat. Your legs would beg you to sit somewhere, but oh no....its not over yet! People queue up with gifts to shake your hand and take a picture with you. The queue looks longer than the Great Wall and you feel dizzy at the thought of having pictures taken with every one of them! After a few fist fights and glares the ritual runs smoothly, you can see people posing with you, as if you were both Price Charles and Lady Di. Some stand cool, some with a readymade smile plastered to their face. Your mouth aches, you have now posed for hours like King Kong's smile, beware, the deformity might be permanent! With the reception over with a loud bang from the orchestra who have yelled their lungs out the evening, festivities draw to a close. A sigh of relief!- Oh no, not yet! not so fast! Its dinner time and again the photographers hound you asking you to feed your partner. You feel like shoving your hand through his thick throat, but alas! It is all public. Stifling an overwhelming anger to hit him, you instead smile sweetly at your partner and show the anger in stuffing a handful in his/her mouth, which is indeed repeated with same 'love'! Cursing everyone, with your head still drumming, you find a quiet corner to rest and thats when the 'suhaag raat' thing comes up. Oh my! shouldn't you be jumping with joy? Yes, your temples jump instead and the dinner eaten is on its way back. You are told to wash up and change and when you finally arrive to see your partner, he/she might be blissfully snoring on the bed! Lucky you! You occupy the other end and snore even before you hit the sack! Festivities go on for a few more days and when finally you do have a loving look at your dear one, you sure do feel- " Oh boy! All this mayhem for this?" Don't worry partner, your Mom and Dad, Grandpa and Grandma all would have felt the same;) That is what an arranged marriage is!!!

Blind date Prophecies

Dedicated to my dearest friend who was astonished by a blind dating ad in radio.

Is it not an Awakening for the tortured souls untouched by cupid's arrows? There are guys who remain the perennial 'Brothers' to every chick on the block. May be the dark, less impressive guys better be christened " Brother" at birth, rather than let all loving angels rename them as Brothers. There is another unlucky lot who are the squirrels to Lord Ram. These obscure 'friend' of heroes always end up butchered or tortured and taunted by the villains in every love story. Poor chap! He is ditched by the Hero as well. Alas! the saddest part is where he is called " Brother" by our very dear Heroine. They act as Messengers, the Messiahs of Love, or should i say mailman when they deliver love letters secretly.

Are these gentlemen doomed to be Brothers for ever? There is some light glowing in the dark, some bells tinkling in the silence of bachelorhood, some radiance emanating from their hearts before emanating from their balding heads- there is love in the air. There arrives a Saviour to lift up these poor men to the heights of Heaven- to show them the bliss of being loved. Ahhhh! Arrival of a blind dating advertisement! It is music to the ears of erstwhile doomed people who are drowned by the dull and boring grrrrrrrrs of PCs and laptops. Wake up dears! Dont get stuck in cubicles, open your eyes, ears and hands. Reach out dear men, there is the blind date. Parched bachelorhood sees rain of ecstasy! The arrival of Valentine's Day and numerous such blind dating agencies spring up. The ad runs in their heads as a broken gramaphone record- .."if you are btween 18-25 and have no friend from the opposite gender, please come to this location with your age proof"...No idea what is in store for these men and women who are going to show up at the event.

I feel happy someone is taking up the staunch social responsibility of match making to the least marketable folks. These agencies play les parents to the unlucky lot! God Bless their Souls, and save them from young girl's shoe soles. Curiosity killed the cat, and i am no better either. Can someone please attend the blind date meet in Chennai and let me know if something transpired? If they found the lights glowing, the bells tinkling?

P.S. I love you

Love is in the air. Valentine's Day nears and wherever we go we see red- little hearts on almost everything, starting from coffee mugs to diamond pendants. Love was never ever marketed so vigorously and vociferously. The four lettered word has been so battered and bruised these days, it is indeed a novelty to see someone feel and understand real LOVE. My first impression of love and Valentine's Day was probably from my sixth grade when i used to watch television. There was a song called "Julie I love you" from the movie Kilinjalgal, if i remember the name right. The heart with an arrow lodged inside became the epitome of love to me. Those were the days when love meant furtive glances and mutually silent conversations.
 
Mother used to say how movies handled love and how literature revered it. I loved the way she quoted Shakespeare-

" Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares"

I simply ran and re-ran those lines often, which saved me from perennial annihilation. Love during my school days was a hush -hush affair, deplored topic. I found my Sin and Cos x more interesting than drooling over some boy in the back bench. Ah! Another doubt crops up here, why do boys in the back bench always end up in loving the girls in the front benches? And why do so thought intellectuals end up in lack lustre affairs with jackasses? All through my teen ages, i had seen clever girls falling for the dumbest guys- the reason, opposite poles might attract more! Also, in a relationship, only one person can remain dumb and that distinction always rested with the back bench flock. I quote Vivian Ward's ( Julia Roberts) dialogue in the movie Pretty Woman here- " My Mom called me a bum magnet. If there was a bum in a 50 mile radius, i was completely attracted to him". But finally she ended up marrying a multimillionaire ( in the movie, of course!). I found most of my pretty, clever friends end up loving the differently- abled! Back-benchers, kindly excuse!

That little cupid devil with the pitch fork keeps prodding, nudging and scraping you until you submit to him, until you say " I do". Luckily for me, i found the right person to say the " I do." I still do the 'do' and i am happy i belonged to the generation of women who thought love had something to do with brains than beauty and wallets. For those lesser mortal men who are stuck with this Gen X women, sorry folks, check your wallets before you look at your hearts, for credit cards breathe in life to your love! It is the candle lit dinners, diamonds and gifts that reserve your berths in love train, so hurry up men, swipe your cards and reserve your love!!! Happy Valentine's Day to all my friends, wish my boys dont blow a hole in their wallets. And to the love of my life,

P.S. I love you!!!