Half way through the summer, as the sun scorches and variety of under arm odors gas us, we run in the crowded platform where the piss perfumed compartments await us. Summer- brings with it travels and travails that we wish we could avoid. The platform teems with people, spit pan and banana peels, where the fan pushes in hot air from under the asbestos, baking you into walking human cookies. Yet when you stand near S3 and read the chart running your fingers over 22F and 24F, along with your name, you feel a high that even dope can’t give! You’ve got tickets, in a bay where there are two young girls! That too from Chennai to Mumbai in this peak summer! 24 hours in wheeled heaven!
Getting confirmed tickets in peak summer is by no
means an easy task, tougher than scaling the Everest or getting an appreciative
nod from the missus! So how do we hit the lottery? How do we get a confirmed
ticket in the summer? The art of procuring confirmed berths in summer is
perfected by few and a careful study ahem…of these successful people will help
you learn the ropes.
You have to be a voracious reader, reading newspapers
left to right without missing a single letter every day. You have to keep
yourself abreast of every Railway budget. One fine day, your proficiency in
Railway rules would earn you a berth, so keep reading. The advance reservation
period is so unpredictable like the weather forecast. When you expect that to
be increased, they roll it down and when you expect a decline, they increase it
to 120 days as of now. It is better to take the help of the parrot astrologer
down the street who can tell you if it is 60 or 120 days the moment you decide
on your travel.
Once you decide the date and calculate the advance
booking date, using all calendars- Gregorian, Grecian and Roman, next comes the
task of deciding how you do it and when you start the prep work. The day before
opening day, you line up at the reservation office sharp at 8 pm, armed with
water bottle and a newspaper. Beware of the hijackers. The moment you close
your eyes sitting in the rusting chair, these hijackers move front and back the
row, the more you sleep, the farther behind the queue you would be. The best
way out would be to shake your legs once in a while when you sleep. Or better
still, don’t take a bath two days prior. You will be a sitting mosquito magnet
pulling mosquitoes that hover miles away from you. Your swats and turns will
ensure no one dares jump the queue.
Don’t worry about the morning when you wake up, while
still in the queue. Ensure that you wash your face with the water, not your
mouth. You need that special oral perfume to ward off the queue jumpers and
your special breath ensures you get the ticket in a fraction of a second from
the already fainting counter clerk. Always check if you are seated in the
correct queue. There are separate ones for women, senior citizens,
representative and self counters. You may even check with analyzing the people
in the queue before or behind you- the balding heads, snow white hair and
wrinkles mean that you are in the senior citizen queue. The extra bouncy hair,
kohl laden eyes and blemish free complexion means you are in the senior
citizen…oops…ladies queue. You can be sure you are in the representative queue
if you happen to notice ear stud sporting, fair complexioned guys spitting pan
all around the place and armed with applications for Navjivan Express,
squatting on the chairs.
Leaning and craning your neck, you watch man after man
leave the queue with success and you pray your favorite God that you will
tonsure your father-in-law’s head if you get a confirmed ticket. Please make
sure that he does have a sprinkle of hair, or the God’s wrath may turn on you! By
the time your turn arrives, the reluctant clerk will either get a phone call or
will get a nature’s call. Thank your lucky stars and open your mouth to say a
‘Good morning’ with a toothy grin. Your breath will ensure he issues your
ticket first and then dashes to the restroom to puke out his brains. Awesome!
You’ve now got your coveted berth, the counter clerk has even given you change.
Congratulations!
Do you intend to get a ticket online on the opening
day? Please make tasty vadumangai (dried mango) pickles and send to your second
uncle’s fifth cousin in Dallas or Houston when he comes on vacation. A simple
missed call will do the trick. When the poor fellow calls you back with saliva
dripping from his mouth remembering your wife’s yummy pickle, you draw the net
around him. Just tell him you need a ticket on opening day and exactly at 9.00
am Indian time, which makes it midnight for the hapless prey who nods still in
a daze. Bait him in, US servers are far quick and should you not capitalize on
that? Just add a pinch of sentiment in your chat. Tell him how much you miss
him, hallucinate him as Hrithik Roshan with his six pack abs, even if he is
filled with a family pack.
If US relatives don’t work, look at single guys in
software field. These are easier preys, in twenties and handful of money, they
know not what they want. All they know is you have a drool worthy daughter in
her teens and whatsapping her the ticket details will be their dream come true.
You may or may not repay the card money, who asks money from you anyway? Ensure
the lady blocks his number the moment you get the IRCTC SMS to save further
trouble. Or if you feel getting online ticket on opening day is the basic
qualification for your future son-in-law, just go blind eye. After all, your
daughter might get confirmed tickets for her summer travels!
